If I could dress up like a sexy cat every day, I totally would. We live in an increasingly tolerant world, but it’s still socially unacceptable for me to walk around in a skimpy cat suit most of the time.

But then the leaves change, the cool breeze sets in and we can all wear whatever we want in the name of candy and parties. Halloween weekend is upon us. The weekend is sure to be filled with lots of spooky shenanigans, cemetery picnics, parties and… parents.

Is it a coincidence that Halloween weekend and Family Weekend fall over the same three days? I doubt there’s some grand conspiracy to stop the kids from going out since their families may be around. Nevertheless, it could cause some problems. I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t want to encounter my family on Marshall Street when I’m dressed up like a giant baby with a belly full of “milk.”

Of course, the whole purpose of Family Weekend is to spend some time with your folks, but you may want to avoid the adrenaline shot to the heart of seeing them on Halloween night. If there’s a perfect time and place to conceal your identity, it’s a college campus on Halloween.

Let’s face it, our parents could probably pick us out of a crowd way easier than we’d like to imagine. Still, there are a few steps you can take to make yourself unrecognizable to those that know you best.

If you want to take the easy way out, you can always tell your family that you’ll be dressing as something ridiculous, like a cheeseburger with wings or something, and then just walk around in your normal clothes. Your parents will never find you, and you can tell people you’re “just being yourself.” Kids these days like irony.

A better strategy is to blend in. Here you have to go for the basic costumes that you’ll see 800 times throughout the night. For the dudes who are uncomfortable in a leotard, being a nerd or a cowboy is always pretty easy. I wouldn’t suggest dressing as Waldo, since your parents will surely find you.

Then there’s always the classic college costume — the promiscuous take on a childhood classic. Mice, bunnies, superheroes and civil service workers are all up for grabs. If your good old guardians decide to take a stroll down Comstock Avenue, they’re much less likely to recognize you as a sexualized rodent, because there will be more than enough of them walking around. On a side note, someone ought to dress up like an exterminator and chase around all the sexy mice with a net.

If you want to be really secure in your identity, however, you’re going to need to be a little more creative. I remember learning in psychology class that you wouldn’t recognize yourself if you happened to see yourself walking down the street. This can be used to your advantage on All Hallows’ Eve. If your parents saw themselves, or who they assumed to be other parents out and about, they’d be much less likely to pay you any mind.

It may require a trip to the Salvation Army and Kohl’s, but it can be done. For your stereotypical suburban, baby-boomer mom, pick up a few turtleneck cat sweaters, some beat to death “mom jeans,” a wig and some white New Balance sneakers. For dad, it’s always safe to go with the “Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl XXVIII Champions” sweatshirt, a baseball cap and some jeans that have faded more than the Jonas Brothers.

Give your family some peace of mind this weekend, and don’t let them catch you being too crazy. What they don’t know can’t hurt them. On the other hand, will dressing as a 50-year-old man cause problems when you try to get into a party? It might be seen as a tad creepy, but you can’t have Halloween without a little creepiness.

Zach Schweikert is a sophomore advertising major. He got tonsillitis last week. His column appears every Thursday in Pulp. He can be reached at zdschwei@syr.edu.

Published on October 30, 2014 at 12:01 am