Sophomore Joseph Gaelin awoke Friday morning to a nightmarish reality. Hungover and unsure of where his phone was, he had only a few short hours to prepare his Watson Hall dormitory for his visiting parents.

“I woke up and immediately thought of fight or flight, you know,” Gaelin said. “Like the natural response my body went through was, ‘Joseph, get in your car and drive away.’ I didn’t have my phone so I figured it’d be pretty easy to fake a kidnapping.”

However Gaelin, citing a love of “Rocky IV” and not wanting to have to find a new parking space later, instead decided to stay and fight. Cooler heads having prevailed, Gaelin took a deep breath and surveyed the damage.

Amidst his snoozing roommates was a sea of paraphernalia his parents would certainly deem unsavory.

“My parents are really strict so I thought I was screwed. I send my mom Snapchats of me reading the Bible and she doesn’t even realize I’m being facetious. It was definitely a grave situation,” he said.

Gaelin’s first move was to wake his roommates, fellow sophomores Kevin Seeley and Mac Kappera.

“That was my first big hurdle,” Gaelin said. “I really had to drive home how nice of a dinner my parents would take us out to. I knew it had to be a team effort so I really leveraged all my diplomatic resources.”

Lofty promises having been made, Kappera and Seeley sprang into action.

“At first I was like, ‘Joseph, leave me alone.’ But then he brought me some water and told me we could get Dinosaur Bar-B-Que later so I was down to make some moves,” Kappera said. “I wasn’t pumped about cleaning stuff up but I’d kill a man in cold blood for a little Dino so I did what I could.”

When Seeley joined in the movement, the trio became a tour de force of concealing drug and alcohol abuse and basic upkeep of living quarters. Half-eaten grilled cheeses were finished, Solo cups were thrown away and the awe-inspiring and tasteful display of flavored Burnett’s bottles they’d finished was stashed in a closet.

Feigning colds to hide their hangovers, the trio greeted the Gaelin family with the usual niceties. From that point on, they were a well-oiled machine of deceit.

“I introduced them to my parents and Seeley talked to my mom about Food Network shows for like 45 minutes,” Gaelin said. “I really underestimated how good he’d be at schmoozing parents.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of my forte,” Seeley added. “My own parents think I’m the worst but my friends’ parents — moms in particular — love me. I think it’s all about eye contact and feigning interest in what they say. I’m just happy I had a role to play.”

After a quick tour of the Quad and Marshall Street, the crew made their way downtown to get the Dinosaur Bar-B-Que they were promised.

“I was really impressed with everyone’s behavior at dinner. Napkins on laps and no one used their fake to try and order beer,” Gaelin said. “At one point, Kappera had to throw up in the bathroom, but he played it off well and was otherwise talkative. The gang really had a great showing.”

After the meal, nourished and victorious, the roommates said their goodbyes to the Gaelin family.

“Yeah fortunately its parents weekend for my sister too, so they couldn’t stay for the LSU game Saturday. Which is dope cause I’m going to drink like a ton of Burnett’s for that,” Gaelin said of his parents’ departure.

With all the odds stacked against them, the sophomore roommates squeaked out a parents weekend victory by a narrow margin, living to fight another day.

“Can you include in your story that Mrs. Gaelin is pretty hot?” asked Mac Kappera. Yes, yes I certainly can.

Evan Hohenwarter is a senior advertising major who is almost as modest as he ishandsome. He can be reached at emhohenw@syr.edu or on Twitter at @evanhohmbre.

Published on September 29, 2015 at 9:28 pm