Ong: Pop culture promotes abusive relationships
As we enter the new year, I find myself looking back at the progress I’ve made as a person and the connections that have filled my life. Some relationships proved positive. Others, toxic, and I have learned from them.
Growing up, I used to dream about my knight in shining armor. When I was seventeen, I thought I had found him. Let’s call him Alex.
Our relationship was wonderful for about three months and then things started to change. Although he embodied four very toxic traits, I didn’t foresee them leading to the abusive relationship I was about to experience.
The first of these was jealousy: Unwarranted texts, even calls, during times I was with family and friends.
The second, rage: Alex’s temperament became worse with time. His patience easily wore thin and it seemed like every little thing I did would set him off.
Then came possessiveness and obsession: My friends would call me out, asking why he was joining us for a girl’s night out.
Finally came control: Months into our relationship, Alex began to dictate what I wore and who I saw. I didn’t see it happening, but I was cut off from all my friends. He made it so he was the only person on my mind.
Being my first serious relationship, I didn’t know any better. I thought this was how men showed they cared. I’d mistaken his conduct for affection and love.
In retrospect, it is obvious that I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, but I don’t think I am fully to blame for this. I believe the reason why I stayed with him lies in pop culture’s portrayal of healthy relationships.
Pop songs can be one of the biggest culprits. An obvious example is Nick Jonas’ 2014 song, “Jealous.” The song is about using his girlfriend’s “sexiness” as an excuse for his obsessiveness, possessiveness and “hellish” behavior. There’s a remix version featuring Tinashe and she sings about the same jealous behavior towards her significant other, showing that these behaviors are common with both genders.
In the hit song “I Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem feat. Rihanna, the whole song documents the explosive relationship between the abuser and their significant other, who seems to love their tumultuous ways. Rage can be heard with the lines, “If she ever tries to f*cking leave again/I’mma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire.”
Hollywood paints a similar picture. In the “Twilight” franchise, Edward Cullen’s behavior is obsessive. He shows up unannounced at Bella’s home and places she visits just to be sure she is safe. Plus, he threatens suicide when Bella breaks up with him. That dependency and pressure of having another person’s life in your hands isn’t part of a healthy relationship.
It’s very difficult to leave toxic relationships, let alone detect the signs that you’re even in one. Toxic behavior eventually becomes normalized in the relationship. When I was with Alex, I’d hear myself saying, “That’s just the way he is,” to excuse his behavior.
People tend to hope that their significant other reverts back to their loving ways. I remember hoping everyday that Alex would just be the guy he was for the first three months. I wanted him to be the guy that trusted me and made me feel safe.
I found the most difficult reason I couldn’t leave him was fear. What would happen if I left him? I feared he would harm my family, friends and even myself. The fear led to insecurity. Would I ever find love again? Was what we had even love? No.
I remember the moment I ended things with Alex. I finally called up my best friend and told her everything. It was the first moment I didn’t feel so alone. I felt a weight off my chest in having someone else believe in me. She encouraged me to talk to my parents and I did. Within moments, I had my support group back.
Breaking things off with Alex was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But I knew in the long run, I’d be happier alone than with him. I just had to take our separation day by day and surround myself with those who loved me.
Two years later, I was right. Without him I got better, healthier and happier.
If you feel like you’re in an unhealthy relationship call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit http://www.thehotline.org/ for more.
Isabella Ong is a sophomore and can be reached at iong01@syr.edu.
Published on January 20, 2016 at 9:48 pm
