It’s the most wonderful time of the year — time to follow up that fabulous presidential election by sitting with a bunch of extended relatives with different political beliefs than you. Best case scenario: they imply you’ve gained weight and pester you about your current relationship status. Worst case scenario: you vow never to speak to them again after a heated argument about any number of your core values. This year is expected to be especially tense, so it’s important to have a handy list of safe Thanksgiving break conversation topics. I have included some below:

Black Friday: With its great deals and prominence, Black Friday is a topic that everyone in the family probably knows enough to talk about safely. Just don’t let the conversation veer into how the embodiment of arrogant capitalism has risen to the highest power, and the tax breaks that are being proposed for big businesses to ensure that the system that created this mess keeps getting messier.

Mars: Whether you are worried about the current state of the world or just super interested in space travel, Mars is a safe topic. Except if you start talking about the future of its colonization by people from Earth and realize that it is essentially manifest destiny of the solar system and while we might not be disenfranchising people that live there, already we are ruining a space. Then you will remember that climate change research and prevention is going to be defunded so our only option will be the westward expansion of the galaxy.

Disney World: This one has got to be safe. There’s no way the “happiest place on Earth” could not be a safe topic. Except, darn, I guess this one ties us back to capitalism again. Maybe just don’t mention its history of really problematic portrayals of race and gender. Could also make you think of entertainment ending up as larger societal roles and — oh man — is it getting hot in here for anyone else?

Cars: Wait, no, oil.

Love: Still nope — gay marriage.

Alright, clearly nothing is a good topic. If you really have to go to a holiday dinner, you should probably pretend that you lost your voice — if you have a flair for the dramatic. That being said, my professional humor columnist recommendation is that this year you just stay home for the holidays.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. She can’t wait for mashed potatoes. Follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or reach her at paterhun@syr.edu. 

Published on November 16, 2016 at 9:42 pm