Congrats, white people. We’ve done it. America is great again. We’re back in control. The Mexicans are leaving and the wall will never let them back in. Those other brown colored people are going to be gone as well, and we’re safe.

The United Nation’s statisticians have been bombarded with new statistics about the country ever since the United States election was called. Just like in every movie with any supernatural anomaly, the numbers on a computer started going whacko and the computer guy called over his supervisor and they freaked out. Those statistics are very important because the U.S. has shot to the top of every statistic table, officially making us the best country in the world again.

First off, our education shot to No.1. Today’s school day was the greatest of all time. The students of the United States learned all the science, math and reading that we needed to shoot up from No.17 to No.1.

Additionally, U.S. employment levels are now at 100%. Yep, you read that statistic right. The unemployment rate has been reduced to zero.

Also, murder has stopped entirely. There were no murders on election night, people were all very happy for President Trump. The only documented death Nov. 8 is was from hugging related injuries.

It seems that every single positive thing that could have happened tonight, did. Cancer is down, diarrhea is down and use of the word moist is at an all time low. Overall, the citizens of America are very happy and they’re definitely not being told that by the emergency broadcast system.

This has been a Trump Publication. All Hail President Trump.

Josh Feinblatt is a sophomore television, radio and film major. He called this election years ago. You can follow him on Twitter @josh_is_fein or reach him at jfeinbla@syr.edu.

Published on November 9, 2016 at 3:16 am