There’s not much left that I get to enjoy. I don’t ever have a second to just do nothing. I feel like a dad with five kids complaining about how his children don’t do chores, but it’s true. I know how you feel, fellow Dads.

So, in a world where I am inundated with information that causes a crippling fear that we could all cease to exist at any moment, going number two is my “me” time. It’s my favorite pastime.

But for all the newly accepted freshmen — go Class of 2021 — or anybody still searching for the perfect place to release their cheeks, I have a comprehensive guide of the bathroom situation at this university. I wrote this guide for the good of the people.

To begin, I want to tell you the worst places to go on campus. Even if you can’t make it to one of the best toilets, these bathrooms should be avoided at all costs.

Before we begin the top three, it’s important to shout out Bird Library’s first floor bathroom as a truly horrible place to go. It’s noisy, small and nobody wants to do their business in close proximity to books.

The third worst place to go is in any residence hall that has communal bathrooms. Using the bathroom while anybody else is around is very uncomfortable. You have no room to stretch out at all and you have to flush every three minutes to avoid smelling up the room that already smells horrible.

Living in Sadler Hall my freshman year catered to my needs because it had pod bathrooms. Being an RA is even better, as I have to walk about three feet from my bed to use the bathroom.

Another atrocious place to go is any gym on campus. Although there isn’t much traffic, going in the women’s building feels very eerie. You feel like you’re back in middle school. It’s dimly lit, cold and most of the floor tiles are missing. If you go over to Archbold Gymnasium, the bathrooms contain the sweat, damp air and chlorine-like smell of your local gym locker room. The only thing missing is a butt-naked, 80-year-old with no intention of putting pants on anytime soon.

The worst place to go on campus is our beloved Carrier Dome. I’m so sorry to say this, but going number two there was one of the worst experiences of my life. For a place that serves food with an average digestion time of eight minutes, I would expect better facilities. For those who use the ladies’ bathroom, I’m not sure what the situation is like. But, for the fellas, there’s a large trough that wraps around the entire bathroom wall for peeing. It’s like the place used to be a stable for horses, at some point. There’s very few stalls and always a large line. For girls, I’m sure you’re used to waiting in line for the stall – I’m sorry ­– but when guys have to wait in line for to go, it feels very rushed. I can’t handle that. I need my serenity.

When it comes to washing hands, there’s a very weird communal foot pump involved. I don’t normally want my, or anybody else’s feet, helping to wash my hands. On the cement floors of the Carrier Dome bathroom, you never know if they just cleaned the floor or something in the bathroom is leaking everywhere. If you find yourself having to use the bathroom during a game, you should either wait until you get home, or just pee against the wall like the rest of the drunk adults.

Now for the flip side of this guide: the best places to go. A pleasant spot really makes a difference. Sure you have decent bathrooms that get you by when you’re on – or have – the runs, but a fine bathrooms can make a royal difference on the throne.

The third best spot on campus to take a load off is the bathrooms at the S. I. Newhouse School of Public Communications. You might be thinking, is he talking about the Newhouse 3 bathrooms, just because that’s the newest building? What do I look like, an amateur? No, the bathrooms I’m talking about are in the hallway between the orange Newhouse wall and the cage on the Waverly Avenue side of Newhouse. This bathroom is a very simplistic design but provides copious amounts of space and a lock on the exterior door for all the privacy you need. I highly recommend this to any student in the radius of Schine Student Center or Martin J. Whitman School of Management — unless you can find a way into a Sheraton Hotel Bathroom.

The second design, which is my personal favorite, is on the third floor of Bowne Hall. For those in the honors program, it’s the bathroom you use after you get free food and leave to never interact with honors’ kids again for the year. Its only drawback is that you might have to wait for an honors kid or two, but it’s certainly worth it. This bathroom is bigger than most dorm rooms, and really should be broken up into two bathrooms. I don’t say this just because it has a bowl and a urinal, which doesn’t make a ton of sense, but the bathroom has two sinks. If you want to, you can wash each hand with high water pressure and not have to waste space using both hands in one sink. You’ll feel like a peasant the next time you use just one sink after using the double sink method.

Lastly, I’m going to give to you the best bathroom on this campus. It’s located in Hendricks Chapel. Holy sh*t, right? The bathroom near People’s Place is like a palace. Everything is fake marble, but a classy fake marble. The bathroom is not individual, but the walls go from the floor to the ceiling, so you get that individual experience. In addition, the doors that keep you in are stainless steel. They’re solid, and they won’t stain, which is helpful in the bathroom setting. Plus, there are feet washing stations for those who need it before prayer. Sometimes, I’ll even connect with God while on the toilet, especially when I forget to bring my phone to the bathroom. There’s nothing much better to do anyway.

So, please take this advice seriously. I want you to benefit. A positive potty experience is what you’re paying tuition for anyway. Just don’t make me to wait for my favorite spots.

Josh Feinblatt is a sophomore television, radio and film major. He often goes three times a day, and sometimes more. He can be reached on Twitter @joshfeinblatt, by email at jfeinbla@syr.edu, or by knocking on the bathroom door.

Published on April 16, 2017 at 8:12 pm