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In your first year at Syracuse University, you are certain to encounter some difficulties adjusting to the complicated world of college, like finding the strength to climb the stairs to Flint and Day Halls, or learning to endure a First Year Seminar class. It can be quite overwhelming without the proper advice.

Just think how utterly embarrassing it would be to get caught in the communal shower with an ugly pair of rubber slides. “Idiot freshman!” upperclassmen would surely chide in unison. Without a guide like this, you’d have no way of knowing that shower shoes went out of style three semesters ago, and that there’s little need for them anyway since you can practically eat off the pristine bathroom floors.

Using my own freshman status to collect research, I have devised the following list based on my own personal misfortunes and follies to ensure no other freshman continues to make such egregious mistakes.

DO:
Whatever an upperclassman tells you to do. This one is simple: upperclassmen are older, better, more experienced members of this university and, therefore, reserve the right to rule over you. If they ask you to do something illegal, just do it. Even breaking a law is better than them breaking your face, as any former freshman will tell you.

DON’T:
Look at, speak to, go near or even think about an upperclassman. Freshmen should refrain from acting above their given status to avoid exile to SUNY ESF.

DO:
Snitch on fellow freshmen for breaking the rules. Rule breakers ruin the fun for everybody. It can be strenuous for your resident advisor to keep up with your floor’s shenanigans, so be sure to report any mischief or illegal activities you may see. Those you snitch on will be grateful you kept them in check in the absence of an authority figure.

DON’T:
Bother insulting your teacher by calling them “doctor” or “professor.” Instead, use “buddy” or “sweetcheeks” to create a sense of familiarity. Most professors hate the formality of their titles and actually prefer it when students call them by a clever pet name. Try this little-known trick just once and watch in awe as your professor immediately becomes your best friend.

DO:
Use your dorm’s dryer as an oven. By combining laundry and dinner, you save time, energy and a whole lot of chores! When that timer dings and it’s time to take out your clothes alongside your tiramisu, you’’ be pleasantly surprised by the resulting taste and odor.

DON’T:
Microwave fish in your dorm room. The allure of such a remarkably ingenious idea definitely tempts those who lack any sort of culinary knowledge. Though when that timer dings and it’s time to take out your trout, you will be unpleasantly surprised by the resulting taste and odor.

DO:
Pay your weekly freshman dues to your nearest upperclassmen. If you already paid your dues and are approached by another upperclassman, simply pay again to avoid looking suspicious. Breaking the bank is better than them breaking your face, as any former freshman will tell you.

DON’T:
Even think about dropping out. You don’t like it here? Too bad, bucko, because you’re here to stay. Dropping out as a freshman promises to ruin your social life, and you will definitely never earn the respect of your peers if you do. Of course, it wouldn’t mean much to you anyway since you dropped out, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have to pay the price. In the end, it is best to just roll with the punches because a broken face is better than a broken FAFSA agreement, as any former freshman will tell you.

Hopefully, you have now been endowed with the skills necessary to avoid making mistakes as a freshman. As many former freshmen have told me, the key to success is failure. So, don’t stress if you continue to make these embarrassing blunders. Live your life, microwave your trout if you really want, and roll with the punches, but DON’T even think about dropping out.

Published on October 16, 2024 at 10:44 pm

Contact Jack: jpvanbev@syr.edu