It’s that time of the year again — the time where everyone on campus transforms into a bunch of sniffling mouth-breathers. The weather is starting to change and even the leaves are giving up, choosing to retreat to death instead of stick out another Syracuse winter. Coughs echo through the dorms, apartments and houses like a symphony of sickness. I myself am writing this column from bed after sleeping for 12 hours in an unsuccessful attempt to beat the system and get better without visiting a doctor.

As your body recovers from the seven days of hangover and sleep deprivation that was Halloweek, this is when you are most susceptible to the seasonal sickness plague. Germs and the disgusting people that carry them will corner you in every class. They will bombard you at work and the second you take a sip of somebody’s drink on a night out — they’ve got you.

If you are like every other student on this campus and really don’t have the time, patience or the loved one’s to care awaiting you if you get sick right now, I’ve compiled a step-by-step guide to staying well amidst the haggard masses.

Step 1: Stop going to class/work/anywhere. First, these activities are mentally draining and will only make you more susceptible to any sicknesses that might be floating around campus.

Second, the other people that go to these places are undoubtedly sick. These days, no one takes off work or class when they fall ill. Instead, they show up with their whooping cough, unable to pay attention and of no real value to anyone there, especially themselves.

Then, without fail, they proceed to cover every other person in the space with their sick spittle. In a week’s time the entire class is keeled over coughing, the walls are covered in mucus and then that one jerkoff feels better about showing up sick, because everyone is. Since they can’t be trusted to not show up, you have to take one for the team and stop going instead.

Step 2: Quarantine yourself in your room. Human interaction is the biggest risk to contracting illnesses. Additionally, it’s quite overrated. There’s nothing they can give you that you can’t get from Netflix. If you are really feeling a void you think communication with another human being will fill, you can easily just text people — but I’m telling you, you will miss nothing and that void is probably related to psychological damage from your childhood or formative teen years and won’t be filled until you accept yourself. It also might be hunger pains, so don’t forget to stock up your room with non-perishables before officially sealing yourself inside.

Step 3: — And most important — Don’t leave your bed. You’re really not the cleanest, least germ-infested person either. Look at the way your desk is piling up with the responsibilities you keep tossing aside — and your laundry practically has flies buzzing around it. We all know you stopped doing it regularly once midterms hit. To truly be safe, just stay in your bed until cold season is gone. Bed: the real sniffling, sneezing, aching, coughing, stuffy-head, fever remedy.

CAUTION: I cannot guarantee these steps will work. I am not a medical professional and anyone who has met me even briefly can assure you that I take terrible care of my body. If you choose to follow these steps and still get sick, I recommend seeking treatment from a doctor instead of a humor columnist. However, if you are going to go to SU Health Services, you should probably just listen to a humor columnist instead.

Patty Terhune is a senior policy studies and television, radio and film dual major. Catch her this cold and flu season drinking a glass of orange juice a day, as if that will reverse the poor decisions she continues to make on her body’s behalf. To see if her body revolts in an Osmosis Jones–style coup, follow her on Twitter @pattyterhune or reach her at paterhun@syr.edu. 

Published on November 2, 2016 at 7:33 pm