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Before spring break, Coach Jim Boeheim announced his retirement, shocking the Syracuse University community. Well, shocked might not be the right word. Let’s go with…slightly surprised. I mean after 47 years as head coach and a national championship, Boeheim deserves a lengthy retirement.

Although I have no idea how basketball works and I only attend the games in hopes that a future NBA player will notice me, Boeheim’s retirement announcement has hit me hard. He was like a grandfather to me — if my grandfather didn’t know who I was, and instead of fighting in the Korean War, he was a basketball coach.

I realize that the world unfortunately does not revolve around me and other people are sentient beings with emotions like myself. So if I’m sad about Boeheim’s retirement, others may be too.

The question then becomes: how do we cope with Coach Boeheim’s absence? Moving on is never easy, but with my help, acceptance is possible. For this reason, I’ve compiled a list of ways the Syracuse community can cope with Boeheim’s retirement.

1. Pretend it’s not happening
Whatever bogus therapist said that denial is an unhealthy coping mechanism was completely out of their mind. If you deny anything hard enough, it can become your sweet, sweet reality. That’s why I wake up everyday and replay old basketball games. That way I can pretend the game is live and Coach Boeheim is still on the sidelines telling tall men to run faster.

2. Distract yourself
Try to do things that won’t remind you of our crippling reality. Stay away from activities that might bring up old memories. Go for a walk—oh God, the memories are coming back. Coach Boeheim used to walk. Okay, walking is off the table. Watch TV—no, remember how you used to watch Syracuse basketball games on that very same TV. Make dinner—Boeheim probably ate dinner once. Oh god, you can’t do anything without the vicious reminders.

3. Phone a friend
Call a buddy up. They’ll probably ask you, “Are you calling to talk about Boeheim’s retirement again? Dude, it’s really not that deep. You’re acting like he was your grandpa or something. Is there something else going on in your life or are you really that upset over a basketball coach’s retirement?” Then, hang up and realize no one understands your pain.

4. Cry
Sometimes it’s best to just get it out! I suggest you lie in a puddle of your own tears until your extremities begin to prune. Then send a picture of yourself crying to Boeheim and hope he thinks it’s sweet and not totally pathetic.

5. Acceptance
If these tips don’t help, I don’t know what else will. Well, actually, you could try remembering the strong foundation Boeheim has built and that the future of SU basketball is bright. I probably should have started with that. Whoops!

Published on March 22, 2023 at 10:57 pm