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One of the most profound lessons on self love I ever learned came from one of my middle school teachers. “If you rely on someone too much, one day they’ll be gone, and all you’ll have left is yourself,” he told me.

This stark truth underscores the importance of self love. You need to trust and depend on yourself when solitude is inevitable. Loving yourself isn’t just a prerequisite for loving others — it’s the foundation that keeps you steady when you’re standing alone. Without that reliance, every relationship presents the risk of losing yourself, as well as your potential significant other.

To love without first knowing ourselves is to offer something that is incomplete, to seek in others what can only be found by looking inward. True love begins when we stop searching for the right person and start understanding the depths of our own hearts. Only then can love be shared without expectation or dependency.

Dependence and obsession often masquerade as love in relationships, and they arise from a place of fear rather than connection. When we rely too heavily on another for our sense of worth or happiness, love becomes conditional — not based on mutual respect, but on the avoidance of our own insecurities.

Alex Levy | Contributing Design Editor

Obsession, in particular, clouds people’s judgment and blurs the line between affection and control. It creates the illusion that our partners are responsible for our emotional state, leading to patterns of attachment that drain rather than nourish. True love can’t thrive in the presence of such dependency, because genuine love requires space for both individuals to exist as whole, independent beings. Without this, relationships can turn inward, consuming themselves in an endless cycle of need rather than growing in trust and shared understanding.

If we seek love before truly knowing ourselves, we risk confusing affection with validation. The emptiness we feel cannot be filled by another person; it is a space that only self-reflection and growth can occupy. Relationships built on this search for external fulfillment often falter, weighed down by unspoken expectations and the quiet longing for completion.

But when we cultivate self love and embrace our imperfections, we acknowledge our worth and enter relationships not from a place of need, but from a place of abundance. This is where love can flourish.

Self love, much like any meaningful relationship, takes time and conscious effort to cultivate. It starts with acceptance — acknowledging imperfections as unique traits that make us who we are, not as flaws to be fixed. To love oneself is not to view every part of us through a lens of perfection, but through a lens of compassion. This means forgiving ourselves for past mistakes, silencing the inner critic that too often takes center stage and allowing space for growth.

By embracing both our strengths and vulnerabilities, we break the cycle of seeking validation from others. In this acceptance, we find peace. Building a stronger sense of self love is not a destination, but a continual process that allows us to experience joy in solitude, self fulfillment in our achievements and gain resilience in our setbacks.

For some, the path to self love begins with tangible actions — hitting the gym, waking up early or meditating regularly. Yet, these practices alone do not define self love; they are merely the outer rituals of an inward journey.

According to registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, “(W)hen we talk about self love, we often refer to embracing and upholding psychological concepts like self respect, self value, self esteem and self worth. But ultimately, self love revolves most around self compassion: It’s the intentional choice to show up for yourself, support your needs and wants and honor your limitations.”

At its core, however, self love is about fostering a relationship with yourself rooted in unwavering trust and confidence. It is not a checklist of accomplishments; it’s the ongoing practice of nurturing an inner dialogue that is as compassionate as it is constructive. Only through this deeply personal and ever-evolving relationship with oneself can you experience the full spectrum of love — both for oneself and for others.

Understanding your worth is a key foundation for building healthy relationships. Self respect and self esteem are inextricably linked, both rooted in a deep understanding of your own worth. Only when you truly recognize your value will you no longer settle for less than you deserve — whether it’s staying out of toxic relationships or refraining from pursuing unrequited love. It’s the realization that you are worthy of mutual respect and affection, rather than being consumed by the fear of loneliness.

The allure of feeling loved can be powerful, but true self love begins when you resist these temptations and find solace in solitude. It’s in those quiet moments when you learn to enjoy your own company, that you discover the profound strength that comes from being in love with yourself. This shift from seeking external validation to internal fulfillment marks the foundation of lasting self respect and personal growth.

Max Lancer is a junior with a triple major in chemistry, biochemistry and mathematics. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at mlancer@syr.edu.

Published on October 2, 2024 at 10:05 pm